Mental Health Journal: December 1st

I had a visitor last week. I really enjoyed my time with her. It meant the world to me that she carved time out of her schedule to come to see me. Sadly, I had a fall while she was here. I was really highly embarrassed. Training is still going well as well. I was so impressed and amazed that they gave us Thanksgiving off. It was really enjoyable for me.

Struggles I faced during the week:

  1. I went off routine. I tried not to show that I was upset about that. I had a visitor. Of course the routine wouldn’t be in effect. I feel like I did a lot better than I have. I even caught up faster than I normally did.
  2. There has been road work out lately. This wasn’t a problem, but I think it caused another problem. We had outages for our internet and cable three times since Saturday. I wouldn’t really mind that because I can pick up a book and read. The only issue is that two times it happened while I was in training. That’s an attendance occurence and it really stressed me out a lot.
  3. I did have a meltdown after I fell. I just felt so stupid. I also felt stupid for even having a meltdown. I feel like I am too much sometimes and will run people off.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea

Mental Health Journal: November 24th

Other than a few minor setbacks, I’ve had a pretty amazing week. I’ve almost established a routine. I feel very blessed. I really feel like the company I’m training to be in is going to be a perfect fit for me! We shall see in time! I haven’t had any problems so far. The only downfall I can say I’ve had is that I haven’t been reading as much as I would like to be reading. This means that I haven’t finished the amount of books I’d of liked to have read either.

Some struggles I faced during the week:

  1. Sleep. I have had problems getting to sleep at least twice this week. Once I was asleep, I was fine and slept just fine. It just took me awhile to get there.
  2. I’ve blown up over stupidly small things. I haven’t gotten violent, but my actions were still uncalled for.
  3. I’ve felt stressed when I haven’t read as much as I feel like I should have a few times this week.
  4. Degraded myself quite a bit this week. I really need to get into the habit of saying three positive things for every negative thing. I’m trying.
  5. I’ve had a few days where focusing was really hard for me. Like extremely hard. Normally I can do 2-3 things at once and be fine. Those days it was taking ALL of my effort to even half focus on one thing.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea

Mental Health Journal: November 17th

So it hasn’t been a horrible week. It also hasn’t been the greatest week either. I have a lot of heavy thoughts in my mind. I feel like I’m at a fork in the road in my life. I’m really struggling to decide which to go. I feel like either way I go, I lose in some way. It’s really been a hectic week more than anything. It’s been filled with projects and chaos and a new job!

This is my first week of training. I was really nervous at first, but I’m loving it so far. I had these preconceptions that were way off base. Everything has gone really smoothly. The trainers are really amazing and laid back. I also know that I have a lot of perks from this job that I’m not used to. I have a really good feeling about this one. I hope. I really need more stability in my life.

That’s all I can really think to talk about. I am so happy that I have a place to unjumble my thoughts and moods. Starting next Monday, I’m going to start a journal that I record things in every day. I think it will help me be more precise with this blog. I would start it tomorrow, but I think I need to adapt to new schedule first. I try not to overdo things.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea

Mental Health Journal: November 10th

This hasn’t been a very good week for me. I’ve taken many comments the wrong way. I feel like I’ve lost people who have meant a lot to me. I’m attempting to get adapted to a new schedule. I’m most likely overthinking everything. I’m the type of person that feels everything needs to be perfect the first time. For me anyways. With anybody else, I tell them to try again. I tell them it’s okay. I don’t give myself the same forgiveness. If I mess up, I think so low of myself. If I don’t schedule blogs right when I feel I should, I feel like I’ve failed. Like I’m a fraud. If I don’t feel like reading, cleaning or working, I feel like I am useless and lazy. I feel unproductive. I feel like once I get adapted to my new schedule, I’ll be fine again. Hopefully. The fact that this particular schedule is temporary and will change when training is over makes me nervous. I won’t lie. Change really does overwhelm me and give me a lot of anxiety.

I’m going to start a diary. I feel like it will help me with both this blog and Thankful Thursday. I also think it will help me unknot the thoughts in my brain. People ask how I feel about things or my thoughts on things and I genuinely can’t answer. My thoughts are so jumbled and scattered that I can’t really decipher them. Sometimes I let myself zone out just so I can sort through my thoughts. I also sometimes feel like I’m responsible for multiple people and not just myself. This is self inflicted, but it does factor into my jumbled thoughts.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea

Mental Health Journal: November 3rd

My health has not been great this week at all. Mental or physical. I’ve had low energy and headaches for a few days. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I tried my best to keep up with all the work I needed to do. I tried to keep my blog schedule. I now realize that I’ve just been really hard on myself. It’s helped take the pressure off. Sometimes I feel alone. I feel like nobody understands what I’m really going through. I feel like I’m a bother or a burden. I feel like I cause a lot of the things that happen to me myself. That feeling isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it still lingers. It most likely always will. What’s important is that I fight it every step of the way. Other than that, this has been a pretty uneventful week. I’m grateful for that.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea

Mental Health Journal: October 27th

I’m hoping to find this new series very therapeutic for me. From here on out, I’ll discuss some struggles I faced during the week. For this blog, I’ll make a list of some of the struggles I experience on a regular basis.

  1. Not feeling like I’m enough. I have all these great ideas, but I just don’t think I’m good enough to follow through with them. I help people and I’m constantly wondering what I could have done to help more. I think of business ventures I can get into but think I’m just not qualified enough. I could go on, but it’s the same thing.
  2. Constantly apologizing. In the past, I’ve been blamed for everything. I never felt it was fair, but nobody ever backed me up. Nobody ever corrected anybody who blamed me. Eventually, I just started finding it easier to apologize rather than argue. Especially when people made me feel like I was stupid or crazy for arguing over it.
  3. Feeling scattered. It’s really hard to focus on just one task at a time. That’s why I usually do two things at once when possible. When listening to a lecture or training, I color or play a game. Not a game that takes a lot of attention. I find that I can concentrate on what’s being said more when I do. This is also what I do when listening to audiobooks. I’ve constantly been lectured for this. People see it as I’m not paying attention. It’s not true, but I don’t know how to prove it.
  4. I don’t really do well in large crowds. When I’m around more than ten people, I feel like walls are closing in on me. If I have a person or two I know really well around me, I can overcome it pretty well. It’s still a challenge, but it’s a challenge I can fight off for the most part. Also, being out in social situations for long periods of time really drains me.
  5. I sometimes stumble when I talk. When I do, I get the urge to smack myself on the head repeatedly. It’s like I just shut down for a moment. This is one of the biggest thing I’m ashamed over. It makes me feel I should be spending my time in a mental hospital.
  6. This is one I haven’t ever really admitted publically. I haven’t really been able to put it to words without it just not making sense. Sometimes, I can’t fully connect to my emotions. I know what I should be feeling, but I don’t always feel it. It makes me really uncomfortable. The best example I can give is when given a gift. I know I should be thankful and show happiness. And I do. I really do. I just really don’t show it. Which puts me into an uncomfortable spiral over what I think others are probably thinking of me because of it. There will be times I feel like I should be upset over or happy over that I just don’t connect with the feelings well. Like I said though, this doesn’t happen all the time. Just now and then.
  7. I often feel like people would be better off without me. This happens more frequently when I’m failing at something or when I feel like I’m letting everybody down. I get the urge to just disappear. Maybe not die, but to just leave and never return. I feel like people would eventually move on and have better lives if I wasn’t in it.

That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll add some later if I can think of any. In my future blogs. They will happen every Wednesday. I have to be honest, this is going to be one of my most vulnerable blog series. It makes me really nervous. At the end of the day, I really hope that I can show somebody that they are not alone in what they are going through. I’m also hoping that finding a way to get this out will help me. One of the biggest issues I have is feeling like I’m alone and the only one going through what I do. I get afraid to speak of things thinking that I will be judged harshly for feeling and acting that way. Thank you so much for reading this.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Follow me everywhere: https://linktr.ee/StarsBooksAndTea