ADHD, Anxiety, and Meltdowns

Sometimes being a high functioning neurodivergent can be a blessing and a curse. People expect so much of you. They don’t really consider the fact that you have your challenges. I totally get it. It’s really easy not to see things that you don’t personally experience. Sometimes, things have to be experienced by a person for them to fully get it.

One of my confessions is that I try my best to keep positive. I keep routine to the best of my ability. That’s not as easy as you would think it is. Things happen. Most people can quickly adapt and continue. I’m not in that group sadly. I get frazzled. I fall behind on my agenda. It takes me days to recover. Sometimes longer depending on how big the disruption is.

I get so embarrassed by how I act when these things happen. I get short-tempered and anxious. I feel like everything is closing in on me. I feel like everybody is angry with me for not getting the tasks done that I said I was going to. Realistically, I understand that nobody is angry with me. One day I will not only understand that, but I’ll accept it as well. There probably have been some people who have written me off because of it. It hurt at one point, but I’m understanding that it’s for the best.

ADHD can be a doozy. Especially when I have so many tasks to do. I constantly have multiple tabs open. I go to try to do something and suddenly I’m on a different tab. Sometimes, I have been shopping a sale and have many things in my cart. Somehow, I get distracted by something else. I go back to purchase and the sale has sadly ended. I mean it saved me money in the long run, but I still wish I hadn’t gotten so distracted.

I’ve somewhat found methods to help with ADHD. Last year, I discovered that putting my reviews in OneNote. It helps me keep track of the reviews I’ve written and the ones I still need to write. I still have a lot of reviews to write for last year, but I’m satisfied with my ongoing progress. Lately, I have discovered that I can focus better on the review if I use my Bluetooth keyboard and my iPad. I’m thinking it’s because I’m not tempted by blinking tabs. I could be wrong.

I find it ironic that the point I have been trying to make has been derailed by ADHD. I guess this is why many call it squirrel syndrome. I hope one day that I will quit being such a monster when things go sideways. I hope that I will learn to communicate better when I’m in high anxiety moments. I think until then, the best thing I can do is stick to myself until I’ve calmed myself. Everything will happen as it will.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Once upon a time, I was ashamed to admit any of this. I was afraid I’d be accused of seeking attention. Or being told that others have it way worse than I did. I spend too much time invalidating my feelings based on how I think others will think of it that I forget that my opinions matter too. I’m working on that. I hope everybody has a wonderful weekend. Remember, that you are not alone. I’m always here if anybody needs somebody to talk to.

May Goals

May is here. I’ve decided to do something new. I’d like to start making a list of goals every month. Give me something to focus on. I think it will help me to focus on the small goals instead of getting overwhelmed by the big goals. At the end of the month, I’ll share the progress I made on each goal. I feel like it will hold me accountable.

  1. Do my best during the four weeks of onboarding training so that I can graduate to production. I won’t lose my job if I don’t. I will just get more training. It’s not a bad thing, but I’d prefer to succeed the first time!
  2. Keep to my reading schedule. I have a backlog of books to read, but I want to start out by making sure I don’t add any more books to that backlog.
  3. Finish some of the books I’ve made progress in but never finished. I have a huge stack of books that I started but didn’t finish for whatever reason. I’m hoping to cut that down.
  4. Carve more time out to relax. I spend so much time focusing on what needs to be done that I forget that I need to rest as well. I’m going to make sure I have some me-time every day. Even if it’s just 15 minutes.
  5. Exercise more. I’m going to start getting more serious about acing my goals every day. I won’t move mountains right away, but at least I can be confident of progress!

Do you have any goals you have for May?

Mental Health Journal: February 23rd

This week hasn’t been the best. However, it also hasn’t been the worst either. I’m just really stressed. I’m regretting some decisions I’ve made and hoping for a successful future. I lost my job. I’m hoping to find another one quickly. The thing is, I’m really kind of over working for call centers. I still want to work from home still, but I’d prefer either chat/email support or data entry. It’s not that I don’t want to help people. I’m just really introverted. I can’t really explain it.

Positives of the week:

  1. I’ve been better at expressing my feelings.
  2. I’ve been communicating better.
  3. I’m starting to get somewhat better at keeping track of my day. In a small way.
  4. I’ve been keeping on top of my thankful journal.

Negatives of the week:

  1. I’ve spiraled into depression a few times over not feeling good enough because of not having a job.
  2. I’ve had a few panic attacks.
  3. I’ve lashed out at loved ones.
  4. I’ve felt alone more often than once.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: February 9th

My mental health hasn’t really been the best if I’m being honest. I usually hate talking about these kinds of things because I’m always thinking there are some people who think I’m just seeking attention. The irony is that those of us who go through this almost every waking moment are ashamed of the struggles we face. Seeking attention is the last thing we want to do.

In all actuality, I do think I need to get back to a therapist. I don’t even know where to begin to look. I’m not sure if I should go on medications or if therapy itself will help. All I know is right now I constantly feel like I’m not enough and that I’m not doing enough. I feel like I’m a waste of space and that I don’t matter at all.

I was going to start a daily journal to help me out with this. I still haven’t done that yet. I’ve had a lot going on. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything I feel I need to do. It’s something I do really want to work on. Just know I’m trying my best.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: February 2nd

For the most part, this has been a decent week. I can’t complain too much. I have been sick. So there’s that. I wound up calling in Monday. That really took a toll on me. I hate calling in. It makes me feel like I’m being lazy and not wanting to work. I feel like I should work regardless of my health.

To be fair, that’s been ingrained in me with work. You call in and come back after you feel better and you get reminded how your attendance is important. Nobody ever says they are glad you’re feeling better. Nobody ever tells you that your health is important. They never tell you to feel better when you call in. They just remind you how important attendance is.

I get it. A lot of people just call off work because they don’t want to work. I don’t feel it’s really fair to lump everybody into that category though. I also feel like a person should be able to make up their time if they choose. If a person calls in one day and volunteers to work a day off to make up for it, I think that absence shouldn’t be counted against them.

Another thing that kind of irks me is companies saying how important mental health is. However, if you put your mental health on your job application, that’s a quick way to get on the no-hire list. If you mention your mental health at work, you’re suddenly treated differently. Sometimes you’re even let go. Not for having a mental illness, but they find a reason to let you go. The same can be said about sexual orientation as well.

This was intended to be a normal mental health journal. I promise. This is what has been weighing on me mentally though. I called in on Monday and now I’m worried about my job. I’m also worried that the all-day back-to-back calls may take a toll on my mental health.

This is just one thing I’d like to openly talk about that bothers me, but usually when I speak the people around me are silent. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have these opinions. Or my opinions are wrong and should be kept to myself. Sometimes I feel like if it’s not a positive and chirpy topic, I’m not allowed to talk about it. I’m supposed to stay silent and keep it to myself. This is another thing I struggle with frequently.

Thank you for listening to my ramble. I know this is a little off course for my normal mental health journal. I will try to stay on track from here on. Maybe this will help me unjumble the mess in my brain and help me think properly. We will see!

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: A Change

This is just to inform. I will not be posting anything involving mental health. I’ve been overthinking this journal entirely. I finally have the perfect way to make this as authentic as I possibly can. Every day, I will write a paragraph or two about the struggles I faced during the day mentally. I’ll also reflect on the positives as well. None of it will be overly personal. Just some of my thoughts and musings. My hope is that these help somebody realize they aren’t alone. There are people who understand the struggle. It’s okay to speak out and get help when needed.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: January 12th

I’ve gone through some struggles. Bad dreams. Financial troubles. Not being able to help those who I really care about. It’s really taken a major toll on my mental health. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to focus on the positives, but lately I just want to cry. I don’t really like to talk about my problems. Publicly or privately.

Good things that happened lately:

  1. Started my job.
  2. Talked myself out of three panic attacks
  3. Sleeping better
  4. Friends

Struggles that happened lately:

  1. Family drama
  2. Negativity surrounding me
  3. Not being able to focus on anything
  4. Feeling worthless

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: January 5th

The fog I was experiencing in December seems to have passed. I’m having a very successful year so far. I know that I will have struggles. Mental health will never fully go away. I’m just thankful that I have times where things are bright and cheery. It really does help me get through the slog of depression.

I think another thing that has helped is that I bought a gratitude journal that I’ve been writing in every day since New Year’s. I’m also getting better at talking out my feelings before they get out of hand. That’s something I’ve been very bad about doing in my past.

This year, I plan to continue what I started on accident. I will write some things that happened that were good and some things I struggled with. I really feel like it has been helping out very much. I may start keeping a journal in that regard so that writing it up on Wednesdays will be easier. I can’t express how thankful I am to you for reading these. It isn’t easy to write these sometimes.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Mental Health Journal: December 29th

Holidays are challenging for everybody. Not just those of us with mental health issues. At the end of the day, it’s how we get through it all. Once upon a time, I really enjoyed the holidays very much. I got to see all my family. We played games. There were traditions we upheld. I lost half of my family when I turned eighteen. I won’t get into that. All I’ll say is once I turned eighteen, I just didn’t matter to them anymore. They half-heartedly tried to keep up, but eventually just gave up. On the side of the family that I did see still, most of them have passed away. Especially the backbone of the family. Those of us left, barely have anything to do with the main family. We kind of stick to our intermediate families.

On top of all of that, I also lost my job. I don’t really want to get into the specifics. I fully take the blame. I’m proud that I did the right thing though. The stress of trying to figure out what I’m going to do from here is slowly getting to me. I’m trying to keep positive though. Maybe I’ll even land a work-from-home job that will get me out of call center work altogether. However, I’ll be okay getting another call center job.

Good things from this week:

  1. I got to spend time with my family.
  2. I’ve been getting into a very nice routine.
  3. I’ve managed to read. Including a nice reading session with mom.
  4. Being able to do nice things for my loved ones.

Bad things from this week:

  1. Missing loved ones that are no longer with us.
  2. Losing my Job.
  3. Household getting sick in stages
  4. Battling depression

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

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Mental Health Journal: A Special Letter

Special Note: This will not be like my normal Mental Health Journal. This is a special letter to my little sister who passed away in 2006. It’s raw. It’s emotional. It’s heavy. If this kind of thing is not your thing, please feel free to pass on this week. If you choose to read, please know that this is one of the rawest and most vulnerable pieces I’ll ever write. I also cried while writing it out. Thank you for reading.

Dear Sarah:

I’ve debated writing something like this for a long time. You’ve been gone since February 13th, 2006. You’ve almost been gone for 15 years. They say that time heals all wounds. I disagree. Yes, it’s easier to get out of bed every day than it was in the beginning. Yes I have continued to live my life. That doesn’t change the fact that my heart still yearns for you.

The last time I saw you was December of 2005. You had been allowed to come home to see us before going back. I wish I knew then that I would never have seen you again. That I would wake up the day before Valentine’s Day to find out that you were gone. To say that my world shattered is an understatement. To be honest, I don’t think it’s ever been really whole since.

You were my little sister. You were just 14 years old! You barely lived. You barely experienced life. I’m so bitter to the fact that now that you’re gone, autism is being taken more seriously. They aren’t just placing children with autism in mental hospitals and forgetting them. Life would be so much brighter had we had the resources then that we do now.

Writing this note has reopened the wound. I suppose I couldn’t help that. I may not ever get over your death, but one day I’d like to gain full closure. I’d also like to not feel shame over still being heartbroken over your death after all this time.

I love you. You were one of the best pieces of my life. When I lost you, I lost my purpose for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I ever got most of it back. I will keep fighting this fight. Mostly for myself, but also for you. I will live the life you were robbed of. I will see you again. Until then, keep the piece of my heart you took with you safe. And please look after all of us. Especially mom.



RIP: Sarah Elizabeth Crider April 23rd, 1991-February 13th, 2006

 Sarah Elizabeth Crider

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

Follow me everywhere: