This hasn’t been a very good week for me. I’ve taken many comments the wrong way. I feel like I’ve lost people who have meant a lot to me. I’m attempting to get adapted to a new schedule. I’m most likely overthinking everything. I’m the type of person that feels everything needs to be perfect the first time. For me anyways. With anybody else, I tell them to try again. I tell them it’s okay. I don’t give myself the same forgiveness. If I mess up, I think so low of myself. If I don’t schedule blogs right when I feel I should, I feel like I’ve failed. Like I’m a fraud. If I don’t feel like reading, cleaning or working, I feel like I am useless and lazy. I feel unproductive. I feel like once I get adapted to my new schedule, I’ll be fine again. Hopefully. The fact that this particular schedule is temporary and will change when training is over makes me nervous. I won’t lie. Change really does overwhelm me and give me a lot of anxiety.

I’m going to start a diary. I feel like it will help me with both this blog and Thankful Thursday. I also think it will help me unknot the thoughts in my brain. People ask how I feel about things or my thoughts on things and I genuinely can’t answer. My thoughts are so jumbled and scattered that I can’t really decipher them. Sometimes I let myself zone out just so I can sort through my thoughts. I also sometimes feel like I’m responsible for multiple people and not just myself. This is self inflicted, but it does factor into my jumbled thoughts.

Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.

Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

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