I’m hoping to find this new series very therapeutic for me. From here on out, I’ll discuss some struggles I faced during the week. For this blog, I’ll make a list of some of the struggles I experience on a regular basis.
- Not feeling like I’m enough. I have all these great ideas, but I just don’t think I’m good enough to follow through with them. I help people and I’m constantly wondering what I could have done to help more. I think of business ventures I can get into but think I’m just not qualified enough. I could go on, but it’s the same thing.
- Constantly apologizing. In the past, I’ve been blamed for everything. I never felt it was fair, but nobody ever backed me up. Nobody ever corrected anybody who blamed me. Eventually, I just started finding it easier to apologize rather than argue. Especially when people made me feel like I was stupid or crazy for arguing over it.
- Feeling scattered. It’s really hard to focus on just one task at a time. That’s why I usually do two things at once when possible. When listening to a lecture or training, I color or play a game. Not a game that takes a lot of attention. I find that I can concentrate on what’s being said more when I do. This is also what I do when listening to audiobooks. I’ve constantly been lectured for this. People see it as I’m not paying attention. It’s not true, but I don’t know how to prove it.
- I don’t really do well in large crowds. When I’m around more than ten people, I feel like walls are closing in on me. If I have a person or two I know really well around me, I can overcome it pretty well. It’s still a challenge, but it’s a challenge I can fight off for the most part. Also, being out in social situations for long periods of time really drains me.
- I sometimes stumble when I talk. When I do, I get the urge to smack myself on the head repeatedly. It’s like I just shut down for a moment. This is one of the biggest thing I’m ashamed over. It makes me feel I should be spending my time in a mental hospital.
- This is one I haven’t ever really admitted publically. I haven’t really been able to put it to words without it just not making sense. Sometimes, I can’t fully connect to my emotions. I know what I should be feeling, but I don’t always feel it. It makes me really uncomfortable. The best example I can give is when given a gift. I know I should be thankful and show happiness. And I do. I really do. I just really don’t show it. Which puts me into an uncomfortable spiral over what I think others are probably thinking of me because of it. There will be times I feel like I should be upset over or happy over that I just don’t connect with the feelings well. Like I said though, this doesn’t happen all the time. Just now and then.
- I often feel like people would be better off without me. This happens more frequently when I’m failing at something or when I feel like I’m letting everybody down. I get the urge to just disappear. Maybe not die, but to just leave and never return. I feel like people would eventually move on and have better lives if I wasn’t in it.
That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll add some later if I can think of any. In my future blogs. They will happen every Wednesday. I have to be honest, this is going to be one of my most vulnerable blog series. It makes me really nervous. At the end of the day, I really hope that I can show somebody that they are not alone in what they are going through. I’m also hoping that finding a way to get this out will help me. One of the biggest issues I have is feeling like I’m alone and the only one going through what I do. I get afraid to speak of things thinking that I will be judged harshly for feeling and acting that way. Thank you so much for reading this.
Please know. You aren’t alone. If you need somebody to talk to, I am here for you. Email me anytime. Or comment. Whatever helps you.
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