Addiction, RACISM, And LGBT Pride

First of all, I want to state that I will not be posting a WWW Wednesday this week. With everything that’s been going on in my life and the world around me, I really haven’t read all that much. I feel scattered. My heart is broken. I’m an Empath. I feel drained almost every day these days. The only thing keeping me together is staying in my house.

Happy Pride Month. I am bisexual. I’ve known I was bisexual half of my life. However, I didn’t come out until four years ago. My fiance helped me come out. He made me realize that I wasn’t a horrible person. He also helped me realize that those who don’t want to be around me are going to leave no matter what. My happiness with myself is worth more than my stress to be somebody else just to make them happy.

I have battled with my feelings. Mainly because I’ve never had a real girlfriend. I know what I feel though. Hoping to meet the right girl one day. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to do so. I’m so blessed that people stood and keep standing up to make that possible. I’m blessed to be able to be open about who I am.

I’m going to talk about something that I really need to get off my system. I really am not going to get into too many details that would give too much away. It’s for the safety of my family. Somebody close to me has battled an addiction to drugs my entire life. When I was little, I thought if I just thought about it enough, they could stop. As I got older, I found ways to feel like I was at fault for their choices. I also started understanding the truth behind addiction. It’s a hard thing to fight. That’s why I’ve chosen to stay clean most of my life. Once I realized I was starting to get dependent on alcohol, I quit. But I digress.

My dream finally came true. The person actually quit. They seemed to be taking recovery very seriously. They even got clean for a few years! YEARS! Sadly, this person lost their battle a month or so ago. My heart felt broken. I didn’t understand. I still don’t. Especially with what we have going on right now. I spent the first part of the relapse worried that they were going to get sick. Or killed!

That worry has quickly turned to shock and anger. As time goes on, I really just want this person to be put away. For their safety and my family’s safety. They have stolen cars. They have stolen televisions. They have stolen computers. One of which hasn’t even been paid off yet. Anything to get more money for the next fix. I’ve spent so long being silent about this. For respect of those I love. I just can’t anymore. Something has got to be done. I love this person. More than I will ever explain, but at the end of the day, I have to acknowledge that isn’t enough.

Many of you know what’s going on currently in the world around us. More innocent blacks are continuing to be killed. Others and their allies are being attacked for standing up to the injustice of it. I’m ashamed that I’ve never openly spoken about it before. I’ve always felt that it’s easier to just keep the peace. Keep quiet about things. I have family that are set in their ways and they always will be. It’s a sad truth. It’s also sad that I feel embarrassed to have ever felt they were heroes in my life. I don’t anymore. I see how full of hate they are.

As usual, when Black Lives Matter comes up, everybody is quick to say All Lives Matter. Which, I’m not going to lie, is true. But somebody made a video on TikTok that helped explain it in really amazing and easy terms. We all sit at a table. Everybody gets food but Bob. Bob says he’s hungry. Somebody at the table looks at him and says that we’re all hungry. Bob says but I didn’t get any food. I deserve food. The person responds with we all deserve food. As they eat their food. Yes. Everybody does deserve food, but that doesn’t change the fact that Bob doesn’t have any in the present moment. In order for all lives to matter, black lives have to matter first.

I was raised to believe that I should sit down and shut up. I was told that my opinion didn’t mean anything and that it wasn’t warranted. Nobody wants to hear or cares about what I say. I let it drag me down for a long time. I’m not going to do that anymore. I may be 33 years old, but I don’t think it’s too late to stand up for what I believe in.

That’s all I have to really say right now. I hope that I will be able to get back into reading fully. I am even going to try to start writing more. If anybody wants to see that again. I’m sorry that I won’t be posting a WWW Wednesday. I’m not sorry about posting this though. I try not to overwhelm everybody with personal things, but now and then I feel it’s needed. Thank you for reading this all the way to the end. You have no idea how much that really means to me. I am constantly battling my depression and anxiety. Knowing I have supporters truly helps. Stay blessed.

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